WIN: TROJAN CONDOMS letter

my short and sweet (no pun) letter to Trojan Condoms (which is owned by the Church & Dwight corporation apparently):




























Trojan's response:

the letter:




























the package: (including a self addressed priority envelope, a merchandise return label, first class postage, a ZIPLOCK BAGGY, and...)






















...A CHECK FOR TEN DOLLARS!!


















_

thank you Trojan Condoms! that ten dollars will surely remedy the incurred discomfiture.

i would have also accepted a First Response sample.

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FAIL: PANERA BREAD letters

dang... thought i had this one. (i love the gmail ads that appear in the right rail of my emails.)


letter #1:






















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panera response #1:









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letters #2 & 3:















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panera response #2:










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letter #4:














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panera response #3:








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WIN: HONEYWELL Letters

letter #1: (my first contact attempt with Honeywell failed. possibly because i haven't the slightest clue what the f*ck My Aerospace is. but i post it anyways)

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letter #2:

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honeywell response #1:

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letter #3: (again i must note the strategically placed adds to the right of the email body -- CURE EXCESSIVE SWEATING NOW!)

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honeywell (kaz) response #2:

HOPELESS: Letter to Apple Computers

Odds of Steve Jobs responding? Bets anyone?
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To: sjobs@mac.com
From: justinduvall@gmail.com
Date: Tue, May 12, 2009 at 2:38 PM
Subject: Sour Apples.

Hello Mr. Jobs.

I am a long-time consumer of Apple products. Many years ago I purchased an iPod. It broke. I bought another iPod. It broke. About a year ago, I decided to give the new iPod touch a shot. Today, my music was wiped clean from it for some reason, and now it's frozen up. Busted. Again.

Now, I could do what I normally do when this happens and do the online-support dance and run around in circles accomplishing nothing until I get so frustrated that I curse that cleanly bitten fruit logo that I have grown to love, and sadly hate in moments like this, and then give up and buy yet another iPod. Now, I COULD do that... but I've been there before, and this time I cannot afford a new iPod. I am also frustrated with the Apple "doctors" at the Mac store. Your choice of PhD minions surprises me, actually. They seem to be of no more use to me than the online tutorials... which I would swear is what they use as their textbook when they encounter problem for which they have no remedial knowledge. My previous iPods were twice left diseased, with the doc shrugging his shoulders. This led me to wonder, what good is the middle-man?

And so here I am, Mr. Steve Jobs, writing to you. Mr. Apple. Mr. Black Shirt and Jeans. The father of the forbidden fruit. The Preston Tucker of the computer/phone/music industry (I mean that in the technologically-innovative way. Clearly you are more successful than Preston Tucker.) Where was I?

Ah, yes. I am emailing you directly because I wanted to contact the source. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Now, I suppose we could get technical and talk about curvatures in time and space and how there really are no straight lines... but for the sake of my analogy, let us just agree that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
Point A is where I stand, without iPod. Point B is where I want to be, with iPod. You are the straight line Steve.

Or maybe I am point A and you are point B, and this email is the straight line. I guess that analogy works better... but it doesn't result in me getting an iPod, so let's stick with the first one.

At anyrate, please help a consumer out. Just this once. Eternal gratitude shall be your reward.

Thank you for your time.

Justin Duvall
iPodless But Hopeful.
justinduvall@gmail.com

FAIL: More Letters to The NYT...

To: nytnews@nytimes.com
CC: "Greg Brock" senioreditor@nytimes.com
From: mailto:justinduvall@gmail.com
Date: Wed, May 13, 2009 at 6:06 PM
Subject: FURTHER EDITORIAL CORRECTIONS.

Well...

Here comes error reports # 3 and 4, from yours truly.

In the article online: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/14/world/asia/14china.html?ref=world

There are two errors. The first is a technical error. The second is a spelling error.

The first error, in the 12th paragraph, as it appears on the website (with the error emphasized): Mr. Zhou, 41, was an undergraduate at China University of Political Science and Law in Beijing in 989, when the school became...

The second error, in the 3rd paragraph from the bottom, as it appears on the website (with the error emphasized): The foundation said it believe about 30 persons remain in jail...

I know that you appreciate my attentiveness, despite the fact that you don't respond anymore. I imagine this is because you are very busy correcting these errors and firing the hooligans responsible for these shenanigans. Then comes the interview process for new hooligans. After that is the extensive hooligan background check. Followed by the company hooligan-physical. Yeesh, that's a lot of work my friend, and let's face it-- hooligans aren't the easiest of chaps to work with. They are a rowdy bunch they are. Often I wonder how you even find the time to report the news, but there it is. Everyday. ALMOST flawlessly reported news. Again, I feel the need to congratulate you, The New York Times. My most heartfelt huzzahs go out to you.

So I am assuming at this point that there is in fact NO Generosity Department. If there were a Generosity Department, I'm sure they were the first to be ousted in the massive layoffs. I also assume that the Powers-That-Be Department was most likely not impressed by my initial error-out-sniffing. Now I have now presented four, count them FOUR, errors (minor though they may be.) Is it not only right that I expect some sort of thanks?

As I've said before, I've given up on the free one month home subscription of The New York Times. I assume my last request of a The New York Times mug has been denied as well. So... How about an umbrella?!! Yeah an umbrella! That would keep me dry while I'm waiting in the rain outside of the library waiting to read the news and write emails! It would be great advertising for you as well. I would even use it as a sunbrella on those awfully hot and dry summer days.

Ok so it's settled. Four reported errors and my continued surveillance in exchange for a meazely (yet snazzy) The New York Times umbrella. I don't wan't to seem greedy, but if you could actually send TWO The New York Times umbrellas that would be just splendid. There was an incident (that I would rather not get into in full detail) a couple of weeks ago involving the librarian, and by proxy I am indirectly responsible for the destruction of her umbrella. If that is too much trouble I would TOTALLY appreciate just one The New York Times umbrella, and accept that as adequate thanks.

Cheers.

Justin.
Future Owner Of A The New York Times Umbrella

(errors were corrected without thanks or a response of any kind.)
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To: nytnews@nytimes.com
CC: "Greg Brock" senioreditor@nytimes.com
From: mailto:justinduvall@gmail.com
Date: Thu, May 7, 2009 at 2:38 PM
Subject: ahem...

Hello Greg,

I've found another MINOR error in one of today's articles online.

In the article online: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/08/business/08auto.html?hp

The sixth paragraph from the bottom reads (with the error underlined):

The company also has offered to swap equity for more than $27 billion in debt held by bondholders, but analysts are that enough of the bondholders will accept the deal.

That's two nabbed errors within two weeks. Seems that well-oiled machine may need a little more WD40 after all. I'm not even going to bother asking for that free home subscription again. Perhaps I over-measured my worth with my last request. Perhaps I was a bit too persistent. I've put that behind me, and now I say to myself -- Perhaps I should aim lower.

So, can I have a free mug instead? I have this wonderful little Washington Post mug on my desk. It even changes colors as you add hot coffee or tea to it, but it is rather outdated and the colors are starting to fade. I could really use a snazzy new NYT mug.

PS- Please inform me when the error is rectified. I would like to finish reading the last six paragraphs of the article, but I cannot seem to read past such a blunder.

Thank you again for your time.

Justin.
An Occasional New York Times Reader After All

(error was corrected without thanks or a response of any kind.)
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WIN: Letters to Cha-pottle!!

I WIN FREE BURRITO!!! mua-hahahahaha! observe:

(these are all screen-shots. click the images to enlarge and read the letters.)


numba one:

numba two:


















numba three:

















Chipotle's Response:




















Acceptance:

nom.

FAIL: Letters to the NYT Senior Editor

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To: nytnews@nytimes.com
From: justinduvall@gmail.com
Date: Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:45 PM
Subject: CORRECTION

Hello.

This is a minor correction, but i know that The New York Times strives for perfection, and the readers demand it.

In the following article online:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/29/world/asia/29swine.html?ref=world

The third paragraph from the bottom reads (with the error underlined,) "On the other hand, pigs carry many diseases and rules regarding their import are export are strict."

As I said, minor. Can a have a free month of home subscription anyway?

Thanks!

Justin Duvall.
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To: justinduvall@gmail.com
From: senioreditor@nytime.com
Date: Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:56 PM
Subject: Re: CORRECTION

Dear Mr. Duvall:

Thank you for this catch -- and for reading The Times. We appreciate it.

I would be glad to give you a free month's subscription, except the company has already cut our pay by 5 percent. I am afraid if I gave that away, my pay would cut it another 5 percent!

So at least for this time, we will have to be indebted to you (or you to us, perhaps) for your good catch.

Best regards,

Greg Brock
Seniore Editor
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To: senioreditor@nytimes.com
From: justinduvall@gmail.com
Date: Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 4:27 PM
Subject: Re: Re: CORRECTION

Hey Greg.

Thank you for responding so quickly. I hear what you're saying about the 5% cut in pay, but honestly I don't believe that one eensie-weensie home subscription will result in your pay being cut short again. I'm a relatively new regular reader of The Times, and I have this uncontrollable urge to tell everyone I know about something great when it happens to me. I can't help it, I'm Italian. This would be a great opportunity for you to use this big-mouthed Baltimore Italian resident for cheap advertising!

Besides, the subscription would really be for my girlfriend anyway. Of course I would read it as well, but I mention my girlfriend here to prove a point. Word of mouth is the best advertising there is. I used to read NPR, BBC, and CNN online daily, and occasionally I would peak at The Times. Through my girlfriend's firm convictions, I have transformed into an almost-daily Times reader, and she is but a soft-spoken Jewish woman. Think of what a big-mouthed Italian could do? I know that The Times is already one of the most popular news source out there, but let's face it-- some people still read USA Today.

So... how's about that month?

Thanks again for listening Greg. I hope I'm not distracting you all that much, or being a pain in your ass.

Justin Duvall.
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the next email is a RE-EMAILING of the previous letter after I received no response within 40 minutes...

To: nytnews@nytimes.com
From: justinduvall@gmail.com
Date: Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 5:09 PM
Subject: FWD: Re: Re: CORRECTION

Hey Greg.

Thank you for responding so quickly. I hear what you're saying about the 5% cut in pay, but honestly I don't believe that one eensie-weensie home subscription will result in your pay being cut short again. I'm a relatively new regular reader of The Times, and I have this uncontrollable urge to tell everyone I know about something great when it happens to me. I can't help it, I'm Italian. This would be a great opportunity for you to use this big-mouthed Baltimore Italian resident for cheap advertising!

Besides, the subscription would really be for my girlfriend anyway. Of course I would read it as well, but I mention my girlfriend here to prove a point. Word of mouth is the best advertising there is. I used to read NPR, BBC, and CNN online daily, and occasionally I would peak at The Times. Through my girlfriend's firm convictions, I have transformed into an almost-daily Times reader, and she is but a soft-spoken Jewish woman. Think of what a big-mouthed Italian could do? I know that The Times is already one of the most popular news source out there, but let's face it-- some people still read USA Today.

So... how's about that month?

Thanks again for listening Greg. I hope I'm not distracting you all that much, or being a pain in your ass.

Justin Duvall.
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To: justinduvall@gmail.com
From: senioreditor@nytime.com
Date: Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 5:10 PM
Subject: Re: FWD: Re: Re: CORRECTION

Oh, I was being facetious. Sorry my joke fell flat!
I would definitely do it if I could, but that's not even in my jurisdiction. I will pass along your note -- and kind endorsement -- to the folks who deal with subscriptions.
But don't hold your breath.

Best,.
Greg
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To: senioreditor@nytimes.com
From: justinduvall@gmail.com
Date: Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 5:26 PM
Subject: Re: Re: FWD: Re: Re: CORRECTION

Hello again Greg my friend!

I apologize for missing your joke. In these rough times you never know who is joking and who is telling the truth when it comes to financial troubles. After all, I'm begging for one month of news delivery! Hmm... that's a bit depressing isn't it? I'll try to think of it as bartering. Yes, bartering.

There. Now I feel better.

One-million thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my letters! Two-million thanks for actually passing it on to the powers-that-be for consideration of my free one month home subscription of The New York Times! My girlfriend will be simply delighted, especially since her birthday is approaching which is in the first week of June (hint-hint!) Just saying.

Also- I try not to hold my breath very long, as I have Asthma and it could be detrimental to my health.

Also again- That last part about holding my breath was a joke. I mean, i DO have Asthma, but I am familiar with that saying. I don't want you to think that your proverb usage fell flat as well.

Take care.

Justin Duvall.
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To: senioreditor@nytimes.com
From: justinduvall@gmail.com
Date: Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 12:19 PM
Subject: Re: Re: FWD: Re: Re: CORRECTION

Hello again Mr. Brock.

First of all, I've noticed that you and your team promptly corrected the grammatical error I pointed out yesterday. I would like to thank you for being expeditious in these matters. It seems your running a well-oiled machine over there. Kudos to you my friend.

Now, back to business... I fear that my letters of request have been lost in your (ever growing, I'm sure) pile of mail (predominantly fan mail, I am also sure.) Or perhaps you no longer find me worth your time. Or perhaps you never took me seriously from the beginning. Who can blame you really? For all I know, you may receive hundreds of emails like mine every day. For all you know, I'm just another kook. Though, I assure you that this is not the case.

On that note, I must still encourage you not to ignore this young Asthmatic-Baltimore-Italian-

American and toss me into the pile of "crazy person" letters just yet. I feel like I have much to offer The Times in terms of guerrilla advertising. I won't be spray-painting stenciled "NYT" logos on the sides of abandoned buildings or anything like that, but, as I've mentioned before, I am somewhat of a barker and my voice is heard within my community but also beyond it's limits. Please forward this letter to the appropriate (and generous I hope!) department. You had mentioned previously that this action was already in motion, but i haven't heard from this other mysterious department yet so I grow weary that I've somehow gotten lost in the system. I don't doubt your abilities or fulfillment of promises Greg. I know your busy. As the senior editor of such a prestigious news provider, I am certain that your plate is full. Perhaps you could give me the appropriate email address to redirect my queries? It pains me to admit this, but it seems that our business relationship is nearing it's end. It won't be the same talking to a new person after we've built such a rapport with each other, but this is probably for the best. I address this next paragraph to the appropriate department...

Attention Generosity Department: I am requesting a modest one-month home subscription of The New York Times in exchange for two things-- Graciously pointing out an error that may have accidentally fallen through the cracks (which I've already lived up to as proven in the initial email in this chain) and my excessive praising of The New York Times to everyone I know. Win-win, yes?

Thank you again Greg. Continue to cross those T's and dot those I's. Keep up the good work!

I look forward to hearing from the appropriate department.

Ciao!

Justin Duvall.
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To: senioreditor@nytimes.com
From: justinduvall@gmail.com
Date: Mon, May 04, 2009 at 12:19 PM
Subject: Re: Re: FWD: Re: Re: CORRECTION

Mr. Brock,

It has been almost a week since I have heard anything from you or the Generosity Department. I suppose I can take a hint. The New York Times does not appreciate my vigilance, and will not be rewarding me with a meager one-month home subscription. Quite frankly, I think that this is just plain rude. I am both shocked and appalled by the lack of word and action. I am taken aback. I am chafed. I am disarrayed. I'm at sixes-and-sevens. I am also rather famished, but that is most likely not your fault. All of the other stuff though... oh, that's all you.

I'm not specifically mad at you Greg, and I apologize for that fact that you are my only source of contact to the powers that be at The New York Times.

So please direct my comments to the Powers-That-Be Department.

I'm going to go eat a sandwich, and take care of at least one of the aforementioned things that are bothering me. Take care.

Sincerely,

Justin Duvall.
Former Reader of The New York Times.
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